Day: October 30, 2020

vol.1

When you’re pregnant, so many people probably tell you the saying “if you have a boy, you’re needing to be loved/shown what true love is”. And i’ve never heard something so real. I wanted my boy first before all other kids of mine. Though I was eager either way because this was my first baby, my rainbow baby. I had my daughter. I found a different type of love in her. 4 months after she was born, I got pregnant purposefully, I wanted two close together, I wanted her to have a friend, but my whole pregnancy I only wanted another girl, I couldn’t picture a boy, I refused to believe he was a boy when they told me, even though he clearly showed us, he was definitely a “he”. Boy names were so hard, boy clothes were so “boring” and “basic” with little to choose from. I cried selfishly wishing he wasn’t him, for months.

And then he was born. March 27th. I have never, in my life, felt so complete. He looked just like me. He was so beautiful and so healthy for being born 3 weeks early of his due date. He was everything I wanted. Perfect. I felt happy, I wasn’t ever tired despite my baggy eyes. I was excited every second I got with him. I was up even when he was sleeping because I simply couldn’t take my eyes off of him. His sister loved him so much, was so good to him. We as a family adjusted so well.

So to the boy moms.

Whether you wanted a son or not, you have one. He’s here. And my goodness, isn’t his love so pure? So genuine and gentle. Yet he himself, so rough and fiesty. He just seems to be so fitting for your arms, no matter how big he gets. How he looks in your eyes, for any and everything as if you are the only one who can keep him happy. He needs you unlike any other human that may be in his life. You are all he wants, every minute of his awoken days. He may sleep all through the night, but every so often, wakes and reaches out for you to comfort him.

Do you find yourself wanting just one minute of space, but that’s seriously next to impossible because he just follows you? LITERALLY everywhere you go?! and if you do find a way to keep him put long enough to do whatever it is you need to do, he still cries and screams until you come back. He’s scared to be without you, or at least that’s what it seems.

He always wants held. He will climb up your leg and whimper until you cave in and pick him up. He may hate to cuddle but will never deny snuggling up close to you even just for 2 seconds. 2 seconds of your cheeks squished to his, embracing a ginormous bear hug, with lots of kisses, and tons of ‘i love yous’.

You can be across the room, and somehow manage to make eye contact with eachother. You know that feeling you get inside, when he smiles at you, and comes crawling/running after you? That has to be one of the best feelings on earth.

My all time favorite is when someone witnesses his clinginess, and admires it. “that’s definitely a mommys boy”, “he loves his mommy so much”, all of the “awwww” reactions. The attention, in that moment, radiates so much positivity off of me, because I love to hear it from someone else, that my baby is obsessed with me. IN SUCH A BEAUTIFUL, HEALTHY WAY.

No matter if you’ve never been in a toxic relationship, or you don’t have an absent male figure in your life, if you grew up loved and seeming perfect, that boy just makes it THAT much more perfect, but for the women who have been hurt, abused mentally, emotionally, or physically. Those who have felt heartbreak before, from any kind of “man”. There’s no denying that this boy has brought you a love you’ve never felt before, he gives you hope. He gives you this beautiful and innocent outlook on love. He won’t hurt you or break your heart the way the others have. He’s your empire. Your protector. Your saving grace.

It’s undeniable that from the moment you give birth, you fall into such a deep unbreakable, irreplaceable love with this sweet boy.

He can pull your hair, spit up and slobber all over you, and stress you out to the max. He may grow up and tell you all about how he “hates” you, or can’t wait to be away from you, or that ‘you’ are the clingy one, but he only fails to realize that it was you there for him through everything. It was mama he cried out for.

This messy, smelly baby boy will one day grow into a man, and luckily you get to raise him to be the man a woman will one day only wish to seek. You get to teach him about womanhood, and how to respect alongside how to love and be kind.

Until then, this boy is your boy.